Sunday, August 08, 2010

RE: "Daddy issues? Maybe."
Mine left around 10 or 12. Visitation was so rare, the intervals flow into one short blur. I spent a good percentage of my life with that hurt. I caught up with him in adulthood and, in one question, confronted him. I asked "What happened to you all these years?"  He bullshitted me about his absence, which in my mind belittled my lifelong pain with a lie, and I despised lying. Still do. By the time I confronted him, that hurt defined my entire life. I wasn't supposed to be a boy anymore, but he left me without an example of what it meant to be a man. I had few close relationships with any, so my collection of father figures was a dichotomy of fictional images and grand concepts, like Humanity, Perfection, and God.
The hurt was his absence, and reuniting filled that void. Only instead of being filled with satisfaction, I had anger. I was angry because reality was nothing like my dichotomy. In my dichotomy was Trust, but reality betrayed me.  I wanted nothing to do with reality.
Years have passed, and my relationship with my father has grown-- a sure sign of life. "My father" has replaced the obscure "him". While painful, I credit the transformation from hurt to anger as a blessing. The hurt seemed endless, while anger is manageable. I encourage you to grieve as intensely as possible. When you ambiguously lose the one who gave you life, it's like your very existence is a permanent heartbreak. I remember that scene from The Fresh Prince. That scene lasts our entire youth. When the heart finally does break, may a hug soften the landing, and may you find hope in the promise of a next episode.

1 comment:

soon2bdcc said...

I feel where you coming from I jsut have to say that I filled the hole with my father. not that he changed but I did. I accepted him for who and what he is and I did take a cue from that scene, I vowed that my children would never go through any of the things that I did. Someone said that A smart man learns from his mistakes a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes. so I will learn from the mistakes of the older people in my family and move forward. My mom told me a long time ago (about something silly that I was mad at someone about) don't hold onto anger because the person you're mad at is not losing any sleep over it. so I don't sweat the small stuff.